oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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