How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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