You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
