Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
