I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
