god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I know her cup size but not her name....
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
