I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
