And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
