My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
