some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
