connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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