turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
