so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
