The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
