Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wish I only lived at night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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