i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Welp...herpes.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
