anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
