dude i'm inner monologue high
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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