I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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