Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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