upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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