I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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