If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
