they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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