Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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