Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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