Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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