remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My ass is underappreciated
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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