my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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