I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If its not for food we ain't going out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
