dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I smell like Dick and happiness
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