I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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