I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
