Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
