So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
