i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
