She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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