i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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