Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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