rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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