I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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