If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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