No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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