the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
