the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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