Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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