Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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