Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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