i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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