I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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