My Higher Power is John Stamos
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
